new detergent

http://dearoldlove.tumblr.com/post/659652940/new-detergent

I wake up in the middle of the night intoxicated by your scent. But I’ve already washed my sheets seven times

because kids make my heart smile

this issue cuts me to the core, partly because i know way too many people who have endured this pain with their own children, and i know they are just a handful of the ones affected. i know it seems like we're just so small in comparison to the disease, but every donation helps these babies.

http://957thewolf.com/pages/7104864.php

thanks guys!

i left my heart in.......

of the WORLD's best places to live, San Francisco landed at number 32! Quite the accomplishment, given it was the 2nd U.S. city, behind Honolulu. I know it took a while, but I'm a big fan of "the city by the bay." :)

http://realestate.yahoo.com/promo/worlds-best-places-to-live

i miss you, but i shouldn't have to

jennifer and i used to cook together. it tasted so much better when i cooked with my sister. we're eleven years apart, though these days its as if we were never even a part of each others lives. maybe thats how she wants it.

i remember being 10 years old, and her going to the pool with me, in her hot pink bikini and discman. way before ipods were even a thought. she would fall asleep there under the california sun while michelle and i argued about pushing each other in the pool. i couldn't wait to be just like her. when i was 11, as a class assignment, i had to write about how i pictured myself in 10 years - and everything i described was just like jennifer.

i cooked spaghetti tonight. i've cooked spaghetti probably close to a thousand times, and never shed a tear. tonight, though, i remembered when she taught me about throwing butter in with the noodles.....and adding a particular "secret" seasoning. i remembered the day after thanksgiving, when mom and dad were at work, and her and i taught ourselves how to make fried bread, just like mom, only in the skillet instead of the fryer. that was my first experience with sizzling oil, but of course she shielded me with the dishtowel.

my sister barely knows me. i don't know anything about her anymore. damage has been done and sometimes i don't know if i want to know her now. but i know i miss the sister i had. its funny how our memories work - after all the pain she put me through - i only remember the good things about her tonight. thats how i want to remember her.

he always says it best

i've listened to that song many times driving down I30 in east texas - able to smell the sticky rain on an april morning. it's had its place and time while i crossed various state lines during my adventure to california. it still feeds my soul when i'm stuck on 101 - happy that all the vehicles are moving slow so i can have a few more minutes to reflect on the words pouring out of my speakers. and now, while i'm eating oatmeal out of my Austin, TX cup and drinking a dr. pepper, i feel like they are speaking directly to me, as they have for the past few years.

you feel these words. they encompass every emotion and speak the raw truth that you know, but don't want to accept. i've been on both sides of this song.

Kenny Chesney. Better as a Memory. it's a song about loss. goodbyes. letting go before you're ready. but not once, of all the times i've heard it, has it ever brought me down. No. In fact, I listen to this song when i need a little hope. it makes me smile. it gives closure, in an indirect way. it gives you the answer you never received.

"goodbyes are like a roulette wheel, never know where they're gonna land. first you're spinning then you're standing still, left holding a losing hand."

that moment. that moment connects humanity. it breaks us down to our most vulnerable state, a state of emotion that all can relate to. that indescribable time when we realize that everything we were holding on to, all that we thought was safe and true and forever, or at least for longer than it was, is no longer ours. you offered acceptance; faults and all. you gave emotions, completely freed your heart for someone elses taking. it was with pure bravery and strength that you allowed this person in. now its gone, on their terms. you didn't even have a chance to fight for it. you're left with nothing in your hands and only memories in your heart.

but then, there it is. the other side to losing something not meant to be, is gaining the new and meaningful. you don't know why things don't work. but you trust there is better.

"one day you're gonna find someone, and right away you'll know its true. that all of your seekings done. just a part of the passing through."

there's the hope. the hope that we forget about during the turmoil and struggle of coping with the inner battle of wondering what you did wrong, or why you couldn't be enough. throughout the lyrics, he's reminding you of all the reasons he is not good enough that you overlooked.

"i move on the way a storm blows through, never stay, but then again i might."

"build walls too high to climb out."

all the things you maybe saw clearly, but accepted. because that's what you do when you're in love. you accept what the person gives you - as a whole. you don't pick and choose what you like. you don't change them. you understand them. you allow them to be themselves. you love them, faults and all.

but sometimes, no matter what we give, no matter if we do everything right, some people are not ready. some people may love us, but not the way we need. thats what this expresses - "i'm better as a memory." the feelings are there, but he knows, he can never give her what she wants. what she deserves. she did nothing wrong, except love a wandering soul too much. if that can even be considered wrong. i'd rather have someone be a better memory, than live with wondering how perfect it may have been.

if you never let go of your fears, if you never jump in and give all of you and feel the rush of emotions overcome you....if you hold back and force things to slow down, you never feel that heat, that uncontrollable fire that's created when excitement and certainty flow through your veins and push out any fear of the unknown left inside. your heart is pounding, breaking out of the chains you've wrapped around it. and then the calmness overwhelms you. you are safe. for now. and that feeling, that which is created from letting go of thoughts of what could go wrong, and loving what is right and beautiful, and in front of you, the death of the negative emotions and the brave ability to allow yourself to love with no promise of forever, is the most amazing free fall; and i'll take the plunge into the unknown over being locked up in chains any day.

but i gave you those wings.

my babies are growing up. and i like it. but i don't. for someone who has never been a mom, i must say, i can understand on some level that type of bond, that attachment.

i coach gymnastics. i have for about 11 years now. i have many reasons why i love the gym, and everything that comes with it. ranging from the fact that its what i'm passionate about to the deeper fact that its one remaining constant in my life. it's been there for me - those kids, the coaches, have always been there through the good and bad. its where i can go and forget about real life for about 2.5 hours. where 9 year olds become my best friends and the toughest issue i face is trying to explain to them who Nsync and Backstreet Boys are and why they are so much cooler than the jonas brothers.

i've been at my current gym for a little over a year now. i coach a pre-team class with melissa. these girls throw surprise parties for us. and attack us with hugs before class even starts. they inform us a little too much about their parents lives and honestly tell us how they really feel, whether we ask for their opinion or not. they like to poke me and watch my booty jiggle. they inform me that its silly i'm not married - because anyone would be lucky to marry me. they tell me i have pretty hair and then follow up with saying i'm the strangest teacher they've ever met. they like to remind me that my ex boyfriend is not smart, though they know nothing about him. they are the rare breed of people in this world that like to hear me sing and appreciate the songs i make up for them. and they remember every ridiculous story i've ever told them, though i have to remind them to point their toes. all the time.

they are amazing. sometimes i forget they are only 9. i taught them that they are strong, confident women - and they love to repeat this. and remind me that they are still only girls, not women, teacher chasity.

so, last night. the crushing news came disguised as a red headed coach with a very happy announcement. a happy announcement for little j-bug. not for me.

j-bug now qualifies for level 4. that means she gets to move up - all our hard work this past year has paid off. she gets to move up and compete! exciting! i really am excited. but sad. these are my children. my loves. that makes the total 4. we've moved up 4 of our girls since the start of the year.

i know what you're thinking. this is amazing. you're impacting these girls. you're helping them. you're teaching them and making them better. i know. i know all that. but allow me to be selfish for a moment. its such a depressing but exciting cycle - i'm there to make them awesome gymnasts. but then they become awesome and leave me. just like parents - they devote their lives to making us the way we are. and then we up and leave them.

i get it. mom, dad. i love you. i understand your pain. kind of.

can i be your awesome mistake

Kevin Fowler has a whole song dedicated to the best mistake he's ever made. Lee Ann Womack mentions that amidst all her wrong turns, she's right where she should be. Rascal Flatts hits you in the heart willing to relive every broken heart if it means they would be where they are now. And Gary Allan spends 4 minutes and 32 seconds detailing the different mistakes he's made and wraps up so bare and raw, honestly stating that most of the good things in his life came from those decisions.

So I inevitably started thinking about my mistakes - my "awesome decisions" if you will. Eventually, if and when you decide to grow up, you start to let go of that harbored resentment and come to the conclusion that these "mistakes" were good for you - like medicine for the soul. Doesn't taste good, but it helps you more than hurts you.

Whether it was staying in a 14 month relationship a year too long, or not trusting someone enough. Maybe it was the phone call you didn't return, the funeral you missed, or the hearts you broke so selfishly, and then let your own break. over. and. over.

So then the thoughts took on their own life, and as I thought about some of the people I let in my life and break me down to my core, I was able to smile. A little. Even laugh. And this showed my growth as a person. I now viewed these people, not as the enemy, not as mistakes, but awesome decisions. Amazing people who pushed me to go after what I really wanted, who showed me how strong I never knew I could be. People who, if it weren't for their silly decisions, I would not be surrounded by the amazing people I have in my life now.

I went even further, and realized, I hope I'm someone's awesome mistake. Among those hearts out there, I hope someone can look back and smile when they think of me - and see that I made a difference. I know I impact peoples lives by doing good and right - but I hope along the way, I made a difference indirectly by not necessarily doing the best thing.

I talked to one of my "awesome mistakes" last night. He must have sensed something in the air that day - he's actually always had a knack for that. Contacting me at the most "interesting" times. It's like, he just, knows. (Except for those 3 months he fell off the face of the earth, like most guys, but that's another post) To protect the "not so innocent", we'll call him Shmolan (courtesy of m.a.) Yes, Shmolan called last night. For those who don't know, Shmolan is a friend; a friend of 6 years. In a nutshell, Shmolan loves me. Or at least he thinks he does. But Mr. Shmolan is always in a relationship - with someone other than me. Why? Why, if he loves me, does he date other people, you ask. Well, I have my own theories, but straight from Shmolan's mouth ( i love saying Shmolan), he claims I always ran from him. I believe, if you really want something, you can catch it, no matter how fast they are. And in my defense, Shmolan never professed his undying love or marriage plans for me until I was 2,000 miles away.

So in this conversation, Shmolan confesses to me that though he may be dating someone else, he considers himself to be settling but knows it would be selfish to ask me to come back. That's smart of you. I confess to Shmolan that I love my life in California and he should have thanked me for the Christmas gift I sent him. That was rude of him not to.

I informed him I was happy where I am and see no reason for me to ever move back to Texas. It ended with Shmolan telling me how awesome I am (go on) and that I'm the greatest girlfriend he's never had (told you he was just a friend).

Is that your way of telling me I'm your awesome mistake? Well, then, thank you.